Broken Crayons...

I don't talk much about my life. I personally don't think that it's anyone's business. I have told my call story, I have told about my walk through candidacy and I have even told a bit about being told that my church no longer supports my call to ministry. However, today I think that can change. 

I know we have all heard the saying "Broken crayons still color." the saying became pretty popular when Shelley Hitz published her book Broken Crayons Still Color: From Our Mess to God's Masterpiece. I have done a lot of thinking on the subject though. As a former educator, I worked with a teacher who would bring in a muffin pan and we'd melt down the crayons into new ones, or we'd shave them down to make candles for mother's day. Even broken crayons have their uses. 

Recently I was going to color a picture with Oil Pastels. I hadn't done much work with Pastels, so for me it was a new medium. I was completely excited, I pulled out my box of colors and realized that through the years, my box of pastels had some how gotten broken. If you know me, I am not a house keeper and at some point I probably set a heavy box on the pastels. 

Nevertheless, I pulled out my first color. A light blue, I scribbled with the color, then added the darker color above. Guess what? The saying is true...broken crayons still color. Okay so maybe that's not a surprise to some, but for me, it's a revelation. A revelation you say? Yes, a revelation. 

Let's look at our lives. Everyone knows that life is messy. It's never what we expect. I never expected that 6 years ago, my best friend of two years would walk out of my life forever. I never expected that because someone threw eggs on her house she would blame me and we'd go to court and that would be the last time I would ever see her again. Let's just say it broke me. It broke my heart, it made me distrustful of people, Christians in particular. In fact, let's go back a bit farther than 6 years, let's go back to 2005, I was in Christian counseling for depression (Dysthymic Disorder). Most people don't realize that counselors have a power over their clients. In psychology, this is called a power differential, and it "renders the patient vulnerable and thus unable to participate in such relationships as a truly consenting person.” (Plaut, 1995, p. 264) So powerful was the counselor in my situation that I didn't realize that she was projecting her own thoughts on to me. In psychology circles, this is known as Countertransference. So strong was her countertransference that her supervisor noticed it and in order to "not lose her license" suggested that she refuse to see me without the recommendation of a new counselor. Luckily I found a new counselor, and we worked through all the problems, including all the messes in my head from the lies that my former counselor told my new counselor, and suggesting that I only see male counselors, because of her countertransference. In the end, we found out that my former counselor was going through a divorce, she and her husband were both having extra-marital affairs, often with homosexual partners. 

So life gets messy, and we become broken. It's in this broken state that I think God does His best work. Psalm 34:18 states The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. In order to be brokenhearted, one has to be broken. It's in these moments of our lives that God is able to say "hey, look at me, I am here, I want to be with you, I want to help you! No where in Scripture does God tell you "You have to get it right before I can use you." 

Let's just take a look at some of the people God used: 

• Abraham -Was old.
• Elijah – Was suicidal.
• Joseph – Was abused.
• Job – Went bankrupt.
• Moses – Had a speech problem.
• Gideon – Was afraid.
• Samson – Was a womanizer.
• Rahab – Was a prostitute.
• Samaritan Woman – Divorced.
• Noah – Was a Drunk.
• Jeremiah – Was young.
• Jacob – Was a cheater.
• David – Was a murderer.
• Jonah – Ran from God.
• Naomi – Was a widow.
• Peter – Denied Christ three times
• Martha – Worried about everything.
• Zacchaeus – Was small and money hungry.
• The Disciples – Fell asleep while praying.
• Paul – A Pharisee who persecuted Christians before becoming one.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” -- Romans 8:28

While friendships have come and gone over the years, while my calling to ministry felt like it was yanked  from under my feet and left me distrustful of the people that call themselves Christians, I know that I can still be used by God. The one verse that I cling to is "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;" -- Isaiah 61:1 

Our lives, our messes, are what make us...well us. If you ever feel like you aren’t worthy enough to be used by God, let alone loved by him, just remember that Jesus used a bunch of flawed people to share Hope to a flawed and broken world. In God, we find renewal, mending, and purpose. Jesus didn’t call the equipped, He equipped the called. And no matter what you’ve been through in life, remember that the same power that conquered the grave lives within you. You are worthy of life. You are worthy of God's love. You are worthy of joy. You are worthy of a fulfilling purpose that will take you places you never imagined reaching...after all even a broken crayon can still be used to make a masterpiece.