The Journey

As many of you know, since last August I have been on a journey that I never expected to happen. I never expected that I would remotely become an inquiring candidate to pastoral ministry; I never thought that my dream of actually using what I understood about the Bible would become anything more than a lifestyle. 

Yet this journey has been a roller coaster filled with emotions, anxiety and waiting. While I completely understand why my denomination has set forth the requirements for their future pastors to complete; sometimes I do feel like a dog jumping through flaming hoops. This isn't mean to discourage anyone--I will be honest, I have enjoyed every minute of what I have had to go through to become a pastor. This process is as thorough as possible to make sure we aren't licensing or ordaining people who are not truly called to be ministers--this process definitely  makes sure that your heart is ready for ministry as well as making sure that you are in the right place to be an effective minister for the kingdom of God. 

Some of the emotional toll this process takes on you does seem "expensive" when it comes to faith. Over the past 6 months, I have felt every emotion possible; I have been scared to death, I have sat at home and cried; I have felt complete peace and joy; I've been pushed to my limit and I have taken on rolls that I never thought I would. I've learned to say "no" to certain things and "yes" to the best things that I can imagine. 

I've had moments that were completely discouraging; and earlier this week was one of them; I needed two more recommendation letters to arrive at Duke Divinity School and I was at a loss at what to do when a friend stepped up and her father wrote a letter for me; then I needed one more and I had a feeling it wasn't going to get completed and it was updated to "In Process." And boy do I have to tell you...that was a great feeling. Knowing that hopefully tomorrow, January 15, I will finally have all my paperwork in at DDS. 

Then this morning I woke up and saw an email stating that the District Committee Board of Ordination wants me to do one more psychological evaluation and this is scary. Why? Because, in my past, I was labeled with a false diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and the evaluation that I am being told to take will actually explore the fact that I probably do have a mental/personality disorder. And yes, I did have a diagnosis, but I was also extremely immature and no longer exhibit the criteria for the personality disorder. 

Then we have the current climate the UMC is finding itself in. Our denomination is starting to splinter over the fact that we are having to spell out everything minut detail in the Book of Discipline. The most current manifestation of this is the fact that we, as Methodists, believe that marriage is between a man and a woman; and we don't believe in ordaining homosexuals; and while this is just the tip of the iceberg it is truly the tip and not the entire story. 

Yet despite all of these things that cause me to feel like the dog in the picture above, I can say that it's totally worth it. I am somewhere that most people who knew me in the past can't believe I am at. I guess some people thought that I'd be in jail or given up on Christ by this point--but you see no matter how discouraging or or hard this process can be; no matter how nerve-wracking or even heart breaking at times; it is well pleasing to God. In this process I have been at peace, not because I have the support of my church, which I do and I am grateful for that--but because this process is in place and it's a journey. I have delved deeper into my relationship with God, and with my fellow humans. I have truly had to live out that which I have preached for so long. 

Yes, the Candidacy process probably doesn't make sense to my family and my parents have had a ton of questions--there should be a website or support group for parents whose adult children discern a calling to ministry--and maybe there is, but if not, as good Methodists, maybe we can form a committee (if you are Methodist you will get this), and while it doesn't make sense, I am so grateful for each step of the journey!