December 31st--celebrating for a different reason!

December 31st is always a hard day for me. On Dec. 31, 1985 my brother, Jacob was born, however, he was stillborn. Today, was different though, today, I preached a sermon at my church, then I went out to lunch with my friend, Jessica, her son Edwin, and her boyfriend Seth! And I realized that it's okay to be a third wheel. After lunch I went to check on my friend Frances, at the hospital and as soon as I walked in she said "Rachel, pray with me." It was the first time that I have ever felt like a real minister.

Then I did what I always do on Dec. 31st, I went to South River Baptist Church, the church where I grew up and I visited my brother's grave. You see what a lot of people don't realize about me, is that I was taken to the morgue to see my brother and I remember this wisps of red hair he had and I remember thinking "Wow, this is my new brother." I also remember some of the funeral. I remember as a child going to the grave site every year to take him flowers on his birthday. And even though we don't go as a family any longer, visiting Jacob's grave has been a staple in my new year's tradition.

Today, I posted a selfie after I went by to take him some flowers. My heart heavy, but as I have always said, "if he (or any of my siblings had lived) they would be amazing people! And I imagine they would be as proud of me as I would be of them.

Several people have sent condolences about my brother passing--but the truth is--I am not sad. If anything I am envious that my brother didn't have to endure this life and the heartaches it so often brings. When I visit Jacob's grave, I do so and speak to him as if he was there, because in some ways it makes me feel close to him. I mean I know he's not there, but it brings me comfort.

Today, the conversation that I had with Jacob was about how cold it was, but that I bet he was having a tropical vacation with Jesus; it was also about my sermon and my goals...and somewhere deep inside, I know that if Jacob was here, he'd be my number 1 supporter!