Thinking through...why we judge others

As many people know, recently my friend Derone McNeill was arrested on 80 charges of sexual assault. If you followed the story on Facebook, you know that I wrote an initial comment that expressed my shock that these charges would be against someone that I knew; and that had been a figure of Christ-likeness. If you go read the comments, you'll see where I was put down and treated like garbage because of my shock. 

Immediately stories started pouring in about these women who had been raped and that I must think they are lying because it was a man in authority over them. Truth is, I have no knowledge of their history or the men that they too are accusing. Though I do find it interesting that so many people wait to come out and say "hey, I was raped or sexually assaulted 8, 10, 20 years ago." Okay...why didn't you come out at the time? But I am not here to victim blame. What I am here to talk about is grace and mercy...and the fact that none of us can truly judge someone. 

So why do we judge people? Well for one, it makes us feel superior to another person. Tonight as I wrote this blog, I received a Facebook message that read "I am praying for you and your judgmental heart." I thought long and hard about what to say back, so I wrote "Thank you, we all need prayer, and I will remember you also," not realizing that the "pray-er" was saying "because you think your friend is innocent and this girl is lying, I will be praying." I got a response back telling me that my prayers weren't necessary nor were they to be heard by Jesus. From that moment on, I blocked the person, because I've had enough negativity in my life currently over this situation. However, I have no doubt that the person emailing me just wanted to feel superior to me and I am sure they successfully did so. 

However, when we judge people, we are not saying a lot about the person we judge. In fact, when we judge people, we are saying more about ourselves. The truth is that we, as humans, tend to fuse with our judgments and perceive them as reality. So when we think that someone is horrible, or judgmental, that thought becomes our reality. We often make blanket statements that imply some sort of universal truth – movies or otherwise. Notice how the language you use describe furniture (e.g. “it’s ugly”) or people (e.g. “he’s annoying”). That same language we use to describe other people, objects, movies outside of us is often the same harsh and unforgiving language we turn to judge ourselves. According to Don Miguel Ruiz "We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse."

Most of us have been taught this principle in social etiquette 101: DO NOT JUDGE PEOPLE. We all know the clichés “Don’t judge the book by its cover”.  Schools, work and many homes have encouraged their members to be cordial to everyone. But, is it possible to make no judgments? Imagine if I asked you to stare at the sentence below in parentheses without reading it, just stare at it.

(READ ME)

It is impossible to look at words and not read them, even if you try really hard. Similarly, it is impossible to meet someone and make zero internal judgments about them. Judgments are expectations based on pre-programed mindsets or scripts, and yes when it comes to race we call them stereotypes.

Of course, many judgments are benign, but others can be cancerous. Giacomo Leopardi says “The soul tends always to judge others by what it thinks of itself” But the damage that judgment causes is something that we must think about and reflect on. We must look inside ourselves, look at ourselves, and stop investing so much time in seeing what others do, how they do it, and why.

How many times have you been wrongly judged? Surely many. This is why you must avoid judging other people. Respect what others do and decide, because maybe what you are critiquing so much, you will end up doing sooner or later as well. Then it will be you who is being judged. 

Your perspective is not the only one! Neither is my perspective the only one! It is important that we try to understand where others are coming from, and remember we are often more alike than different. We need to look closely at what may be driving another person’s behavior. We don’t have to agree to understand. 

We need to be careful not to let our judgment of others belie our own insecurities. It would be more constructive for us to work to build our own strengths and skills instead of comparing ourselves to others. I want to include a list from Psychology today of reasons to stop judging others. 

1. Don’t blame yourself. We are instinctively hard-wired for survival. When we see a dog (or a person) that might bite us (literally or metaphorically), of course we feel threatened. We go into fight-flight-freeze mode, and are unable to see the myriad possible reasons for another’s behavior. We get tight and defensive. This is a normal first reaction. The key is to pause before we act out of this mode.
2. Be mindful. Although judgment is a natural instinct, try to catch yourself before you speak, or send that nasty email and do any potential harm. You can’t get your words back. Pause. See if you can understand where the person may be coming from. Try to rephrase your critical internal thought into a positive one, or at least a neutral one. After all, like that dog in the trap, we really don’t know the reasons for someone’s behavior.
3. Depersonalize. When someone disagrees with us or somehow makes our life difficult, remember that it’s typically not about us. It may be about their pain or struggle. Why not give others the benefit of the doubt? “Never underestimate the pain of a person," Will Smith said, "because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are better at hiding it than others.”
4. Look for basic goodness. This takes practice, as our minds naturally scan for the negative, but if we try, we can almost always find something good about another person.
5. Repeat the mantra, “Just like me.” Remember, we are more alike than different. When I feel critical of someone, I try to remind myself that the other person loves their family just like I do, and wants to be happy and free of suffering, just like I do. Most important, that person makes mistakes, just like I do.
6. Reframe. When someone does something you don’t like, perhaps think of it as they are simply solving a problem in a different way than you would. Or maybe they have a different timetable than you do. This may help you be more open-minded and accepting of their behavior. The Dalai Lama says: “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.”  
7. Look at your own behavior. Sometimes, we may be judging someone for something that we do ourselves, or have done. For example, the next time you find yourself yelling at someone while you’re driving, ask yourself, “Have I ever driven poorly?” Of course, we all have.
8. Educate yourself. When people do things that are annoying, they may have a hidden disability. For example, some people with poor social skills may have Asperger’s syndrome. So if someone’s invading your personal space (as someone with Asperger’s might), remember again, it’s not about you. Albert Einstein said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” 
9. Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Someone once told me, no one wakes up in the morning and says, "I think I'm going to be a jerk today." Most of us do the best we can with the resources we have at the moment.
10. Feel good about you. Brene´ Brown says: “If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people's choices. If I feel good about my body, I don't go around making fun of other people's weight or appearance. We're hard on each other because were using each other as a launching pad out of her own perceived deficiency.”

Lastly I want to say that in order to not judge someone--whether they are the victim or the perpetrator of a crime, the best thing to do is as Colossians 3:12-13 says "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.