Then my friend Michelle posted something that The Cove pastor, David Porter said today "Sometimes our feelings have to catch up with our forgiveness; and they will when our hearts are healed." When I read this it made sense, but if I could ask David one question it would be "How long before our heart heal?" Because when I see the people who hurt me, I have anxiety attacks, I get scared, I start to wonder if I have done something wrong just by continuing to exist. So, how long before I heal?
Bitterness is something we feel never will happen to us.I've been lucky to have experienced a lot of different jobs in my short 38 years. I've been a journalist, I've worked in retail, I've worked in education, been a bus driver, I work in home improvement now, I've worked as a youth pastor, and am working to become a pastor now. All of these jobs have allowed me different experiences, from flying in a B-17 bomber to meeting presidents to leading people to Christ; and through all of this, I have never met one person who has made it out unscathed by life. We go through life opening our hearts to many people, seeking friendship in this life. But when we least expect it someone hurts us, or circumstances themselves come to a place where we allow bitterness to come into our hearts towards even God himself. Feeling angry and disappointed over how we have been treated or how circumstances have treated us produce great bitterness in our being. But just because it's a created feeling, doesn't mean it's right.
So this week, I started something that would help me become less bitter about my past and towards the people who have treated me unfairly/broken my heart. I have started to find the good in every day!
To start this project I got thinking about what I was bitter over and at whom I am bitter. I think we all know who came to mind--so I pulled out a picture that we took together several years ago and every day I walked by it and said "I forgive you; I don't understand what happened or why you hate me, but I forgive you." So today when I saw some associates of hers, I didn't feel anxious or hurt. Instead, I again prayed for her associates, because they are like the evildoers of Proverbs 17:4.
Then I stopped at the grocery store to get some Sierra Mist. While there, I ran into the a former boss that allowed a teacher to bully me out of my job. I greeted her with a huge smile and asked about her children--who were in my classes in school and also my sunday school students. She was evidently taken aback by my friendliness. I say this, only because she didn't know how to react or even what to say other than "I hear you want to be a pastor." I smiled and said "Yes, I do and am working on that even today!" She got this strange look on her face and so I said "Ya know, I want to thank you for keeping me at Cloverleaf as long as you did. I also want to thank you for believing the worst about me when someone lied and said I was writing a book about killing a teacher. Thank you for allowing Dr. Lasane to do her job and move me away from one toxic environment to another; because if none of this had happened; I wouldn't be exactly where I am today!" She just looked at me and said "It's good to see you...have a nice day!"
A lot of folks would see what I said as being a smartalec, that truly wasn't the case in this matter. I can truly say that if I had stayed in the school district, I wouldn't be back to blogging, I wouldn't be working towards ministry and I certainly wouldn't be trying to become a better, healthier--mentally, physically, emotionally, person.
So what has helped me other than walking past a picture and granting forgiveness to someone who really hurt me deeply?
First, I decided to recognize the hurt--sounds simple enough--but it's not. I really think the period of discernment that I have been in for the past 7 months, has allowed me to grow beyond myself. I give the hurt a name--in this case it's Cedar, The Cove, Cloverleaf, Liars, cheats, false witnesses, the past. I acknowledge that those things are still out there--but I know that they in and of themselves aren't inherently evil--they are controlled by Satan. So I acknowledge that we have a spiritual battle going on. Then I decided to take some steps that would help me heal. I asked myself "What makes you feel good?", next I concocted a way to become better by exercising these things daily: Here's what my plan looks like on a pretty regular basis.
1. Feel gratitude Daily. Yes, it seems like the furthest thing from your mind and heart when you are hurting, but being grateful for what you do have is a great way to experience more peace in the middle of pain. Surely you can find some reason to have gratitude if you search your heart.
2. Let others express sympathy, even if you don’t want to hear it. Hearing others’ healing well wishes is more than therapeutic; it puts forth into motion that very healing you are seeking. Let your friends tell you they are sorry for you. It doesn’t make you weak; in fact, it strengthens you more.
3. Allow yourself to hurt. It is ok to cry and feel heartbroken. You must do this in order to put it behind you and move towards peace. In spite of what you have been taught, crying is not for babies, it’s for healing healthy people.
4. Move towards a goal daily. Any goal will do just as long as you can move towards it. Set your eyes on something that you want to achieve, and make steps every day to get there. This will move you past the pain and into something else that is good for you.
5. Laughter is, in fact, medicine. Get together with that one friend that always makes you laugh, and let yourself laugh. It doesn’t mean you aren’t grieving or you aren’t upset with what happened. It means you know that you need a little dose of human interaction sprinkled with some good ol’ fashion chuckles. It will help you in so many ways.
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