What is Forgiveness?

Recently several of my friends have shared a message of “forgiveness” by Nadia Bolz-Weber. When they started sharing this video, I immediately started warning them of the dangers of this woman’s teachings. I never even watched the video before letting my friends know that this woman is a danger to Christianity and their Christian beliefs. Yet, each person spouted off ever reason they loved this message by Nadia. So burdened I became that I spent Sunday evening in tears praying that their eyes would be opened to the teaching of this woman. Monday morning I awoke to another friend sharing this video and another singing the praises of Nadia Bolz-Weber. Later Monday night while I was laying in bed nearly asleep my Pastor sent me a text stating he had just seen the video and that it was shared by one of our own UM pastors. 

Friends, please STOP! CRACK OPEN your bibles. Realize that what Nadia is teaching isn’t forgiveness. It’s just not. Go, read everything you can about forgiveness in the Bible—which means you’ll read every verse from Genesis 1:1 to Revelation 22:21—show me where God cuts us off, where our sin is so great that God just forgives and forgets us? Friends, her teaching isn’t Biblical and if it is, well we definitely are not reading the same scriptures. And before you decry that I am one of those Christians who think my Bible is the only Bible and what it says is the only truth—well yeah I do, because there is only one Bible—there are  many translations of the Bible, but there is only ONE and most of the ones I own, all 47+ versions that I own, don’t tell me I have to accept sin, none of them tell me to forgive and forget a person. 

So today I want to tell you what forgiveness is and what it’s not.

• Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook. We can and should still hold others accountable for their actions or lack of actions.
• Forgiveness is returning to God the right to take care of justice. By refusing to transfer the right to exact punishment or revenge, we are telling God we don't trust him to take care of matters.
• Forgiveness is not letting the offense recur again and again. We don't have to tolerate, nor should we keep ourselves open to, lack of respect or any form of abuse.
• Forgiveness does not mean we have to revert to being the victim. Forgiving is not saying, "What you did was okay, so go ahead and walk all over me." Nor is it playing the martyr, enjoying the performance of forgiving people because it perpetuates our victim role.
• Forgiveness is not the same as reconciling. We can forgive someone even if we never can get along with him again.
• Forgiveness is a process, not an event. It might take some time to work through our emotional problems before we can truly forgive. As soon as we can, we should decide to forgive, but it probably is not going to happen right after a tragic event. That’s okay.
• We have to forgive every time. If we find ourselves constantly forgiving, though, we might need to take a look at the dance we are doing with the other person that sets us up to be continually hurt, attacked, or abused.
• Forgetting does not mean denying reality or ignoring repeated offenses. Some people are obnoxious, mean-spirited, apathetic, or unreliable. They never will change. We need to change the way we respond to them and quit expecting them to be different.
• Forgiveness is not based on others' actions but on our attitude. People will continue to hurt us through life. We either can look outward at them or stay stuck and angry, or we can begin to keep our minds on our loving relationship with God, knowing and trusting in what is good.
• If they don't repent, we still have to forgive. Even if they never ask, we need to forgive. We should memorize and repeat over and over: Forgiveness is about our attitude, not their action.
• We don't always have to tell them we have forgiven them. Self-righteously announcing our gracious forgiveness to someone who has not asked to be forgiven may be a manipulation to make them feel guilty. It also is a form of pride.
• Withholding forgiveness is a refusal to let go of perceived power. We can feel powerful when the offender is in need of forgiveness and only we can give it. We may fear going back to being powerless if we forgive.
• We might forgive too quickly to avoid pain or to manipulate the situation. Forgiveness releases pain and frees us from focusing on the other person. Some want to "hurry up" and forgive so the pain will end. We have to be careful not to simply cover our wounds and retard the healing process.
• We might be pressured into false forgiveness before we are ready. When we feel obligated or we forgive just so others will still like us, accept us, or not think badly of us, it's not true forgiveness — it's a performance to avoid rejection. Give yourself permission to do it right. Maybe all you can offer today is, "I want to forgive you, but right now I'm struggling emotionally. I promise I will work on it."
• Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It's normal for memories to be triggered in the future. When thoughts of past hurts occur, it's what we do with them that counts. When we find ourselves focusing on a past offense, we can learn to say, "Thank you, God, for this reminder of how important forgiveness is."
• Forgiveness starts with a mental decision. The emotional part of forgiveness is finally being able to let go of the resentment. Emotional healing may or may not follow quickly after we forgive.

Most of us assume that if we forgive our offenders, they are let off the hook — scot-free — and get to go about their merry ways while we unfairly suffer from their actions. We also may think that we have to be friendly with them again, or go back to the old relationship. While God commands us to forgive others, he never told us to keep trusting those who violated our trust or even to like being around those who hurt us. When we've been deeply wronged something inside yearns for justice. If we don't forgive, our desire for justice becomes revenge, subjecting us to the bondage of bitterness and self-righteousness. When we choose to forgive, the justice we seek is for the other person to feel our pain. God’s grace, invades our sense of justice. True forgiveness takes place when we release our hurt and let go of it, acknowledging that the others is also a fallen human being, who is perhaps doing the best he or she can with the limited resources in their emotional, relational, and spiritual arsenal. When we anchor our hearts on the rock of God's love, the forgiveness of others enables us to release our pain into God's healing hands. As grace shatters the threat of growing bitterness, it plants the seeds of a more intimate relationship. 

Colossians 3:13 tells us that Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. I don’t see bolt cutters in this scenario; matter of fact, I see that God is commanding us to hold on to one another, to work with one another for His Kingdom. 

Even on the cross, while those who crucified and mocked Him, Jesus asked that God forgive his tormentors. (Luke 23:34). No where did He say “I want to be cut from them.” And you gotta admit, the people killing Jesus were some pretty big jerks. Yet, no where did Jesus state that He needed some bolt cutters to cut himself loose from them, no, instead He hung there headlong into the wind and forgave them. 

Forgiveness isn’t just a Christian teaching; modern Judaism and even the sages of Judaism have some pretty hard teachings on forgiveness. So why forgive? Basically, because it is a mitzvah, a divine command. The Torah explicitly forbids us to take revenge or to bear grudges (Leviticus 19:18). It also commands us, “Do not hate your brother in your heart” (ibid. 19:17). According to Chabad Rabbi Eliezer Shemtov , the difference between vengefulness, nekamah, and bearing a grudge, netirah is in the Talmud (Yoma 23a) we find the following definitions: An example of revenge is when I ask my friend to lend me something and he doesn’t, and I repay him in kind when he asks to borrow something of mine. An example of bearing a grudge is when I ask my friend to lend me something and he declines, and then, when he asks me to lend him something that he needs, I say, “When I asked to borrow your lawnmower, you didn’t agree. I, however, am not like you; I will accede to your request.” Either one of these attitudes is expressly prohibited by the Torah. True strength is expressed by overcoming the instinct of revenge and being able to forgive. 

Rabbi Dr. Tzvi Hersh Weinreb reminds us that the prophet Micah (7:18) asked: “Who is God like You, tolerating iniquity and forgiving transgression ... ?” Upon which, the Talmud commented (Rosh Hashanah 17a): “Whose iniquities does God tolerate? A person who forgives the transgressions of another.”