Let Go of Bitterness

Hold On Grasshopper!

Last year, I took a weekend to visit a friend in Princeton, NC. My visit wasn’t meant to be anything special, just a friend going to visit another, and to share in the blessings of God’s love. On my way to Princeton, I noticed a grasshopper holding onto my window; he had been there since I left my house and as I sped down I-40 near Greensboro, he was still clinging to my window. I got to Mebane, and he’s still there, so I get off the interstate and decide that this little fella has ridden far enough. He immediately jumps off the window when I stop—I guess he had enough too! 

God is always calling us to let go of something. Maybe you’ve got anger in your life and you need to let go; maybe it’s grief that still sits in your heart and you don’t know how to let that go, but you know you need to. Maybe it’s resentment, wrath or even some junk in the house of your heart. 

For me, what God is expecting me to throw away is resentment and anger. Anger? I know it surprised me too. Yesterday I posted on FB that it was the best feeling in the world to be able to say “I hold no animosity towards someone who has hurt me.” When in truth, I ran into that person later in the day and every bit of anger came out and I showed them they were “number 1” in my book. I realized that while I may not wish ill towards that person, I do still hold on to the hurt and anger…and I do indeed hold animosity towards the person. 

I hadn’t thought of that little grasshopper until this week. He held on to my car for dear life—which in his case really was life or death. However, is it life or death if we hold on to animosity towards people? Indeed it is. 

Lisa Albinus, writing about a bee, says: 

We have all been hurt by those we chose to trust and love, disappointed by circumstances and choices, hurt, offended, bruised, and crushed by those around us. We all wear scars.  We can choose to hold on to these offenses, storing them in a treasure chest that we open often, taking these offenses and relishing in the memory of the wrongs committed. We polish the memories by playing it over, and over, and over again. We choose to live in yesterday with the offense, rather than embracing a new location, a new day, a new destination.

My little grasshopper missed his own adventures to accompany me, because he was clinging to my car. How often do we miss adventures that God has for us because we are clinging to the hurts of our past? 

Albinus goes on to say: 

Ephesians tells us to put all bitterness behind us. We are to clothe ourselves in kindness and love. We are told to forgive. You may be wondering how I ever got out of my car. I began to open the window. I shifted the foundation of what the bee was standing on and it let go.  We all may need to shift our foundation from offense to letting go. How can we do that? What if we were to pray for those that hurt us? Praying for others softens our hearts and shifts the foundation we are standing on to Holy Ground.

So this week, I have been thinking How can I let go, when I have a promise of “maybe someday, but not right now” and how can I expect this person to forgive me when we 1) can’t speak to each other and 2) if I keep showing my anger? For me the answer has been in a prayer 

God, in your mercy, hear me and answer me. You know I am troubled by thoughts and feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness. You also know why. And you know how deep the hurt goes and how long I have lived with it. But I don’t want to live with it any longer. I don’t want to be an angry, resentful and bitter person. With your help, I release my anger into your hands. I surrender my resentment. I let go of my bitterness. Help me to keep letting God and release these toxic emotions as often as they try to return. Lord, I also release ________ into your care. You know all my love and concern for him/her. I know that You share that love and concern, so I release him/her into Your hands. Help me to find healthy and helpful was to love and care and pray for him/her, even as I learn to trust You to see I cannot see and do what I cannot do. Amen

Behold! The Lamb of God: Messiah in the Passover

A little over a year ago, my Pastor spoke about how the Old and the New Testaments intertwined. His saying is the Old Testament is the New Testament concealed; the New Testament is the Old Testament revealed. 

This revelation can be clearly seen in the Passover Feast! I have found this year to be quite significant in the fact that today is Good Friday, the day we commemorate the crucifixion of Christ, and it is also the first day of Passover.

I know you are probably thinking, so what? What do Good Friday, Jesus’ death, and Passover have to do with one another? As, Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof would say, “I’ll tell you…” (Okay so I may have burst into the song Tradition just now). Hebrews 10:11-14 gives us an idea of what happened daily, yearly really, for the forgiveness of sins. Yet on a Friday, just before Sabbath, the lamb was slain, the final sacrifice for all the sins of the world…but how does that relate to Passover…let’s get started!

First the seder, a festive holiday meal, actually means "order." It is called this because the meal is done in a certain order which takes us from slavery to freedom. The Haggadah - which means "the telling" - is the book used at the Passover seder. The Haggadah explains the foods on the seder plate, recounts the highlights of the Exodus, and includes songs, prayers, questions, and vignettes.

The Passover Exodus is the watershed event in Jewish history. Indeed, it is a momentous event for all mankind. Many Believers don’t fully comprehend the Passover in the context of the awesome atoning work of God. You cannot fully appreciate our redemption in the Messiah until you understand the ordinance of Passover. All the biblical Feasts and observances were foreshadows of the redemptive work that the Messiah would ultimately accomplish. The gospel of John uses the Passover as the backdrop for his retelling of the atonement we have received through Jesus our Messiah.

However, when Messiah, Jesus (Yeshua in Hebrew) celebrated Passover just before His death, He sent two of His followers to prepare the room for their Seder (Luke 22).  Passover preparations, both then and now, center around the scrupulous removal of all chametz (foods made with yeast) from the home.  During the eight days of Passover, only foods made without yeast may be eaten (Exodus 12:15).  The most well-known unleavened food is matzah, a special bread made at Passover.  There are two reasons why matzah is the only bread to be eaten during Passover:

1 – The historical reason: Thirty-four hundred years ago, when the Jewish people were about to be delivered by God’s mighty arm from bondage in Egypt, God told them to be ready to move on a moment’s notice.  This is historically why we eat only matzah at Passover.  Matzah is sometimes called the “bread of haste,” because God says to Israel, “you came out of the land of Egypt in haste”(Deuteronomy 16:3).

2 – The Scriptural reason: Unleavened bread is made without yeast.  Even as leaven or yeast puffs up the bread to make it seem greater than it is, so also the Scripture consistently uses leaven as a picture of pride, sin, and unbelief.  This is why yeast was not permitted as part of the normal meal offerings in the Tabernacle (Leviticus 2:11).  Thus, Messiah warns His followers regarding false teachers, “Watch out and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and the Sadducees” (Matthew 16:6).

To start the seder, the person who has been chosen to lead the service, ceremonially washes their hands. This is a symbol of humility. Just as Jesus, at this point in the seder (last supper), rather than washing his hands,  donned a towel and took in hand each of his disciples feet and washed them. 

The first thing you eat at Passover, is Karpas—Parsley (or Bitter Herbs) and dipping them into salt water. The green parsely, by it’s color reminds us of our lives, the salt water, the tears we shed. In bondage, the Jews lives were drenched in grief and tears. 

Next the Echad (unity); this is the highlight of the first cup. The Afikomen is removed from the Matzah Tash. Each year young Jewish children are taught a tradition; why three? The unity represented Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, as the second or middle patriarch, Isaac was taken out alone to be sacrificed. So the middle slice of Matzah alone was taken out at this time. The head of the household takes this piece of Matzah and breaks it in half, he the wraps it in white linen and hides it. It stays hidden until a child finds it during the 3rd cup! (More to come!)

During the second cup, we continue to learn about the time of the Jews in bondage. This is known as the cup of plagues. During this time the head of the household takes another piece of Matzah and says “this is the bread of our affliction.” Interestingly enough, matzah is pierced and through the baking process is stripped, representing a picture of Messiah’s body. This Matzah is passed around, and everyone breaks off a piece to eat. On the seder plate, is Maror, the head of the house takes the matzah and dips it into Maror (Horseradish) making sure he takes enough to bring a tear to his eye. It is quite possible it was at this point that Jesus indicated the betrayal by one of His own disciples. 

The next thing that is on the plate is Charoseth (apples and spices) this is also passed around the table so that every member gets some, to remember that our labor is also sweet, as our redemption draws near.  Next, we have the Haggigah, The Haggigah is to remind us of the temple and the holy day temple sacrifices. 

It is at this point in the seder that a child under the age of 13 asks 4 very important questions.

1. How is this night different from all other nights? On all other nights, we eat chametz (leavened foods) and matzah. Why on this night, only matzah?
2. On all other nights, we eat all vegetables. Why, on this night, maror (bitter herbs)?
3. On all other nights, we don't dip even once. Why on this night do we dip twice?
4. On all other nights, we eat either sitting upright or reclining. Why on this night do we all recline?

The last thing on the seder plate is the Zoroah—Shankbone of a Lamb. A reminder of our final sacrifice. 

It is at this point that the family will have a break in the seder, they will eat a large meal, as my friend, Sam likes to say from soup to nuts. It is now time for the third cup, the cup of redemption. At this point, a child has likely found the Afikomen and taken it to the head of the household, and gotten a special gift. Remember this bread has been wrapped in linen and hidden away…and it is now the third cup. The head of the household takes this broken piece of Matzah, and breaks off a small piece for each person around the table, and reminds them that God has broken their bondage and redeemed them at the Passover. It is this cup, that Messiah also used to institute the what we now call “the Lord’s supper.” 

The 4th cup, is the cup of praise. We acknowledge that Christ is coming again, equally, we acknowledge that Elijah the prophet didn’t show up and that according to Jewish tradition, the Messiah will not come this year and we must wait another year for Messiah. I won’t lie, in some homes that only know ritual and tradition, the seder doesn’t end in praise, rather it ends in lament, “Lashana Haba’ah b’Yerushalaim,” Next year in Jerusalem. This refers to the fact that for those without messiah, they must wait another year for Hope to arrive. But for the redeemed, we can say “Behold! The Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world!” 

Now that we have discussed the seder, let’s take a closer look at the parallels between the passover lamb and Jesus. You may not know that the word Passover comes from the Hebrew “Pesach,” which means “to pass over.” Interestingly, the Aramaic word for lamb is “talya,” which can mean either lamb or servant. The passage in Isaiah 53, referred to as “The Suffering Servant,” describes Jesus as a Lamb led to the slaughter, and He is referred to as “the Lamb” not less than 34 times in the New Testament.

Unblemished

The animals you choose must be year-old males without defect, and you may take them from the sheep or the goats. —Exodus 12:5

The Passover lamb, according to the ordinance of Pesach, was to be in the prime of life and without blemish. Blemish refers to sin. Jesus, our final and perfect atonement lived a sinless life. We are told that we have been redeemed out of sin—not with corruptible things such as silver and gold, but with the precious blood of the Messiah—as a lamb “without blemish or defect” (1 Peter 1:19). Why? Because “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God” (2 Cor. 5:21). Tell the whole community of Israel that on the tenth day of this month each man is to take a lamb for his family, one for each household.- Exodus 12:3 By the way, this past Sunday, Palm Sunday as we call it, would have been the 10th day of Nisan. 

Each Household Needed A Lamb

The Word of God is explicit in the Prophets and in the New Covenant that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. There is not one who is righteous. Everyone needs atonement to have a personal relationship with God. Just as each household required a lamb, the Word of God is clear that every individual needs atonement, a sacrifice for his sin. What we consider our righteousness before Him is really “as filthy rags” (Is. 64:6).

The Community of Israel Required A Lamb

When all the people of the community of Israel…—Exodus 12:6

Erroneous anti-Semitic doctrine says the Jewish people killed Jesus. In much of Europe during World War II, Jewish people were not permitted to live—for no reason except they were Jewish. They were called “Christ-killers.” This concept was not new. This erroneous theology that the Jewish people had killed Jesus began in the early Church. But is this true? No. Matthew 20:19 says He would be turned “over to the Gentiles to be mocked and flogged and crucified. On the third day he will be raised to life!” Did the Gentiles kill Jesus? No. So who killed Jesus? Exodus 12:6 says that all the people of the community of Israel must slaughter the “Passover lamb.” Messiah, our Passover Lamb, died for the sins of all the world so those who believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. Jesus said in John 10:17-18 that He alone had the authority to end His life. He laid down His life freely in order that the Scriptures would be fulfilled. Without His sacrificial act, we would have no redemption. The assembly killed Jesus because He had to die—and chose to die for us as our Passover Lamb.

The Passover Lamb Was to be Slain in the Evening, But Not to Remain Until Morning

Do not leave any of it till morning (the Passover lamb)… —Exodus 12:10

The Gospels make it clear that Jesus is the sacrificial Passover Lamb. They record that He was crucified at the same time the other lambs were slaughtered. He hung upon the Roman execution stake, upon which victims would suffer, yet not die for many hours. Executioners typically broke the victim’s legs to hasten death, yet the Passover lamb was not to have any broken bones. The Gospels tell us that the legs of the prisoners on either side of Jesus had to be broken, but when the Roman soldiers came to Jesus, they found that he was already dead, [and] they did not break his legs” (John 19:33). Even in this detail we have a record of Jesus fulfilling the ordinance of Passover. He also fulfilled another Passover statute when He was removed from the tree before evening.

When I See the Blood…

…When I see the blood, I will pass over you. —Exodus 12:13

Without the shedding of blood there is no atonement. He recognized that no man could keep His Law perfectly. But at the center of the Law is God’s gracious provision: Life for life.

In each of the homes of the Israelites and Egyptians that first Passover night, an innocent life had to be taken to spare the life of the firstborn of each family. Here again is a fundamental principle of the Good News—all have sinned and are guilty. If you look at where the blood would be spilled then applied to the lintels of the door, you have an image of the cross in your door way. 

God has pronounced judgment on all. He makes no distinction between Jew or Gentile. It is not by works that we obtain right standing before God. It is a gift of God himself. The wages of sin is death. This was God’s judgment upon the inhabitants of Egypt—Egyptians and Israelites alike.

That night the Angel of Death was to smite the firstborn, including the Israelites. But the blood was to be a token upon the houses. God promised: “When I see the blood, I will pass over...” (Ex. 12:13). This is the very center of Passover and the Good News—in this the Gospel is summed up.

My Jewish friends never learned these things growing up. Passover to them meant the meal and getting together with family, but there was no concept in my Judaism of blood or sin. Although they were taught about the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and learned about the biblical figures, I don’t think they ever  understood that God is alive and His Word is alive and they are sinful beings in need of atonement. There was never an appreciation that deliverance in a deep and meaningful way.

The Church also lacks that appreciation. If we don’t appreciate the Old Covenant Scriptures, then we have missed the deep understanding of God’s character as Deliverer and Provider.

We are told by the Prophets 750 years before Jesus was born that One without sin would come and die for our sins. Although He was sinless, it pleased God to bruise Him and to lay upon Him the iniquity of us all (Isaiah 53).

Jesus said, “I am the door; by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved” (John 10:9 KJV). Why? Because He is the Passover Lamb who has shed His blood so that when we apply it to the doorposts of our heart, the Angel of Death passes over.

"The time is coming,” declares the LORD, “when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah. It will not be like the covenant I made with their forefathers when I took them by the hand to lead them out of Egypt, because they broke my covenant… I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

- Jeremiah 31:31, 34

The Good News

Jeremiah expresses the expectation of the Jewish Messiah who has brought about this New Covenant through His blood, by which all may receive forgiveness. The Prophet reveals that God’s own Torah will be written on our hearts. A Jew without a Messiah is as incomplete as Christianity without its Jewish root.

It is rooted in Judaism that we understand the sinful condition of mankind and the glorious graciousness of God, who provided this atonement in the death and resurrection of His own flesh. We must understand the Old Covenant and the grace of God to comprehend and appreciate the New Covenant.

This is what the Passover service teaches us, taking us through the story of the deliverance of the Hebrew children by the hand and grace of God. This deliverance is not only out of the land of Egypt, but also from death—by the blood of the Passover Lamb. As you celebrate the Passover, you will see this great miracle and gain a greater understanding of God’s love for mankind.

Jesus is the Jewish Messiah. He is the God-given Passover Lamb, provided to the Jewish people and to the world through His atonement. When God sees the blood applied to the doorposts of our heart, the Angel of Death will pass over.

*Seder descriptions taken from Messiah in the Feasts of Israel by Dr. Sam Nadler of Word of Messiah Ministries.

Depression and the Church, revisited

This is a post about depression and how the Church should handle depression and depressed people. There may be triggers in this article. As always, If you’re depressed, tell someone. Tell a doctor, friend, family member or counselor. Please do not suffer alone, especially if you feel suicidal.

Normally, I don’t revisit blogs that I have already written, however, today I feel the need to write about depression. For those that don’t know depression is much more than the blues. An occasional case of the blues is normal. However, getting yourself into a funk, especially one that you don’t see the other side of is hard. 

I have a diagnosis of Persistent Depressive Disorder. I don’t speak about it nearly enough because often when I do, I find myself being told “let it go!” This past weekend, I had a pretty intense episode of depression. It exhausted me! What brought the depression on is that I found out a house that I have very fond memories of is up for sale. I know it sounds stupid, and I get that…people sale houses all the time, but there is a specific reason this depresses me. Either way, I am going to be okay. I spent yesterday, April 15th, fasting and praying. I noticed that the depression and anxiety did let up some and maybe it’s because my focus was on “not starving!” Yet, the fast gave me time to walk away from people at lunch, take a walk around the lake and get some much needed vitamin D (sunshine). 

For those that don’t know there are several different types of depression—usually we only think of postpartum depression, major depression or seasonal depression. Truth is there are many more types of depression and not all of them manifest in the same way. 

Persistent depressive disorder (also called dysthymia) is a depressed mood that lasts for at least two years. A person diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder may have episodes of major depression along with periods of less severe symptoms, but symptoms must last for two years to be considered persistent depressive disorder.

Postpartum depression is much more serious than the “baby blues” (relatively mild depressive and anxiety symptoms that typically clear within two weeks after delivery) that many women experience after giving birth. Women with postpartum depression experience full-blown major depression during pregnancy or after delivery (postpartum depression). The feelings of extreme sadness, anxiety, and exhaustion that accompany postpartum depression may make it difficult for these new mothers to complete daily care activities for themselves and/or for their babies.

Psychotic depression occurs when a person has severe depression plus some form of psychosis, such as having disturbing false fixed beliefs (delusions) or hearing or seeing upsetting things that others cannot hear or see (hallucinations). The psychotic symptoms typically have a depressive “theme,” such as delusions of guilt, poverty, or illness.

Seasonal affective disorder is characterized by the onset of depression during the winter months, when there is less natural sunlight. This depression generally lifts during spring and summer. Winter depression, typically accompanied by social withdrawal, increased sleep, and weight gain, predictably returns every year in seasonal affective disorder.

Bipolar disorder is different from depression, but it is included in this list is because someone with bipolar disorder experiences episodes of extremely low moods that meet the criteria for major depression (called “bipolar depression”). But a person with bipolar disorder also experiences extreme high – euphoric or irritable – moods called “mania” or a less severe form called “hypomania.”

For the person experiencing depression, you may want to note the signs and symptoms, but before you start checking off the list and saying “Well I don't have all of these so I am not depressed, you may or may not experience all of these symptoms. 

• Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
• Feelings of hopelessness, or pessimism
• Irritability
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
• Decreased energy or fatigue
• Moving or talking more slowly
• Feeling restless or having trouble sitting still
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• Difficulty sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
• Appetite and/or weight changes
• Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempt
•         Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause and/or that do not ease even with treatment.

Maybe now your question is “What can the church do about it?” One thing I really dislike about how churches deal with depression is that they call it a spirit, a demonic possession. And while there may be some truth to the fact that it is a spirit, that’s not all it is. Another thing I hate is when people say “Rebuke it”, “Let it go” or “shake the dust from your feet.” That’s not always possible. Sometimes, that just makes things worse for the depressed person. Words that are meant for encouragement, don’t always sound that way to the depressed person…matter of fact, because I can’t “Rebuke it”, “Let it go” or “Shake the dust from my feet.” I often walk away from the church feeling defeated. Like there is something wrong with me. When in reality, I am human and that is all I will ever be! 

So to my pastor friends, who may be reading this, here is what I think you need to remember: 

Church leaders should know that depression is a very real issue that they must address.  Some people say that depression is solely a spiritual problem while others believe it to be a physical or mental disorder.  I believe it is both.  As followers of Christ, everything we are, everything we do and everything we experience is wrapped up in and affected by the personal relationship we have or do not have with God through Jesus Christ.  Nothing touches our life that doesn't pass through His hands, with His permission.  Every problem we face, whether it is a physical illness or an unconfessed sin is a "spiritual problem".  If it is a concern to us it is a concern to Him.

Church leaders should know that depression may require medical attention.  Chemical imbalances induced by stress can trigger depression.  It is important to know that a tendency toward depression is many times hereditary, resulting in a disorder that responds well to the right medication.  Depression is not eliminated by medication.  Medicine simply levels the playing field so that the issues and problems that lead to depression can be effectively dealt with.

Church leaders should know that depression may require professional counseling.  I am amazed that so many Christians are so afraid to see a Christian counselor.  Shame and guilt often prevent those who battle depression from getting the help they need.  God gave counselors their gifts and abilities.  He must have known we would need them.  Church leaders should be quick to encourage those struggling with depression to seek out Christian counseling. 

Church leaders should be aware of the shame and stigma felt by those who struggle with depression.  These people are not "crazy" but often feel as if everyone thinks they are.  Many times a pastor or church leader can make it easier for those who battle depression by simply acknowledging depression as a reality that anyone can face.

Church leaders should know that depression is not necessarily sin.  The causes of depression are incalculable. While it is true that depression can be triggered by the consequences of sin it is just as true that depression can simply be the result of a chemical imbalance present from birth. Depression can even be a side affect of medication or induced by health problems as well as physical and mental exhaustion. For example, those who must take medicine to control high blood pressure, thyroid conditions, diabetes and a host of other illnesses are very likely to struggle with depression.  Many of the most creative and powerful leaders battle depression because they constantly teeter on the brink of burnout.

Remember, authenticity and transparency bring healing.  As pastors and leaders we must be willing to practice emotional integrity, freeing those we love and lead to do the same. 

Thinking through...why we judge others

As many people know, recently my friend Derone McNeill was arrested on 80 charges of sexual assault. If you followed the story on Facebook, you know that I wrote an initial comment that expressed my shock that these charges would be against someone that I knew; and that had been a figure of Christ-likeness. If you go read the comments, you'll see where I was put down and treated like garbage because of my shock. 

Immediately stories started pouring in about these women who had been raped and that I must think they are lying because it was a man in authority over them. Truth is, I have no knowledge of their history or the men that they too are accusing. Though I do find it interesting that so many people wait to come out and say "hey, I was raped or sexually assaulted 8, 10, 20 years ago." Okay...why didn't you come out at the time? But I am not here to victim blame. What I am here to talk about is grace and mercy...and the fact that none of us can truly judge someone. 

So why do we judge people? Well for one, it makes us feel superior to another person. Tonight as I wrote this blog, I received a Facebook message that read "I am praying for you and your judgmental heart." I thought long and hard about what to say back, so I wrote "Thank you, we all need prayer, and I will remember you also," not realizing that the "pray-er" was saying "because you think your friend is innocent and this girl is lying, I will be praying." I got a response back telling me that my prayers weren't necessary nor were they to be heard by Jesus. From that moment on, I blocked the person, because I've had enough negativity in my life currently over this situation. However, I have no doubt that the person emailing me just wanted to feel superior to me and I am sure they successfully did so. 

However, when we judge people, we are not saying a lot about the person we judge. In fact, when we judge people, we are saying more about ourselves. The truth is that we, as humans, tend to fuse with our judgments and perceive them as reality. So when we think that someone is horrible, or judgmental, that thought becomes our reality. We often make blanket statements that imply some sort of universal truth – movies or otherwise. Notice how the language you use describe furniture (e.g. “it’s ugly”) or people (e.g. “he’s annoying”). That same language we use to describe other people, objects, movies outside of us is often the same harsh and unforgiving language we turn to judge ourselves. According to Don Miguel Ruiz "We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse."

Most of us have been taught this principle in social etiquette 101: DO NOT JUDGE PEOPLE. We all know the clichés “Don’t judge the book by its cover”.  Schools, work and many homes have encouraged their members to be cordial to everyone. But, is it possible to make no judgments? Imagine if I asked you to stare at the sentence below in parentheses without reading it, just stare at it.

(READ ME)

It is impossible to look at words and not read them, even if you try really hard. Similarly, it is impossible to meet someone and make zero internal judgments about them. Judgments are expectations based on pre-programed mindsets or scripts, and yes when it comes to race we call them stereotypes.

Of course, many judgments are benign, but others can be cancerous. Giacomo Leopardi says “The soul tends always to judge others by what it thinks of itself” But the damage that judgment causes is something that we must think about and reflect on. We must look inside ourselves, look at ourselves, and stop investing so much time in seeing what others do, how they do it, and why.

How many times have you been wrongly judged? Surely many. This is why you must avoid judging other people. Respect what others do and decide, because maybe what you are critiquing so much, you will end up doing sooner or later as well. Then it will be you who is being judged. 

Your perspective is not the only one! Neither is my perspective the only one! It is important that we try to understand where others are coming from, and remember we are often more alike than different. We need to look closely at what may be driving another person’s behavior. We don’t have to agree to understand. 

We need to be careful not to let our judgment of others belie our own insecurities. It would be more constructive for us to work to build our own strengths and skills instead of comparing ourselves to others. I want to include a list from Psychology today of reasons to stop judging others. 

1. Don’t blame yourself. We are instinctively hard-wired for survival. When we see a dog (or a person) that might bite us (literally or metaphorically), of course we feel threatened. We go into fight-flight-freeze mode, and are unable to see the myriad possible reasons for another’s behavior. We get tight and defensive. This is a normal first reaction. The key is to pause before we act out of this mode.
2. Be mindful. Although judgment is a natural instinct, try to catch yourself before you speak, or send that nasty email and do any potential harm. You can’t get your words back. Pause. See if you can understand where the person may be coming from. Try to rephrase your critical internal thought into a positive one, or at least a neutral one. After all, like that dog in the trap, we really don’t know the reasons for someone’s behavior.
3. Depersonalize. When someone disagrees with us or somehow makes our life difficult, remember that it’s typically not about us. It may be about their pain or struggle. Why not give others the benefit of the doubt? “Never underestimate the pain of a person," Will Smith said, "because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are better at hiding it than others.”
4. Look for basic goodness. This takes practice, as our minds naturally scan for the negative, but if we try, we can almost always find something good about another person.
5. Repeat the mantra, “Just like me.” Remember, we are more alike than different. When I feel critical of someone, I try to remind myself that the other person loves their family just like I do, and wants to be happy and free of suffering, just like I do. Most important, that person makes mistakes, just like I do.
6. Reframe. When someone does something you don’t like, perhaps think of it as they are simply solving a problem in a different way than you would. Or maybe they have a different timetable than you do. This may help you be more open-minded and accepting of their behavior. The Dalai Lama says: “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.”  
7. Look at your own behavior. Sometimes, we may be judging someone for something that we do ourselves, or have done. For example, the next time you find yourself yelling at someone while you’re driving, ask yourself, “Have I ever driven poorly?” Of course, we all have.
8. Educate yourself. When people do things that are annoying, they may have a hidden disability. For example, some people with poor social skills may have Asperger’s syndrome. So if someone’s invading your personal space (as someone with Asperger’s might), remember again, it’s not about you. Albert Einstein said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” 
9. Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Someone once told me, no one wakes up in the morning and says, "I think I'm going to be a jerk today." Most of us do the best we can with the resources we have at the moment.
10. Feel good about you. Brene´ Brown says: “If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people's choices. If I feel good about my body, I don't go around making fun of other people's weight or appearance. We're hard on each other because were using each other as a launching pad out of her own perceived deficiency.”

Lastly I want to say that in order to not judge someone--whether they are the victim or the perpetrator of a crime, the best thing to do is as Colossians 3:12-13 says "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Two Weeks by Karen Kingsbury: A Review

I have yet to read one of Karen Kingsbury’s books that I haven’t enjoyed immensely. So when the chance came to join with Karen and be a part of her street team, I knew I had to respond to that email! I received an advance copy of Karen Kingsbury’s Two Weeks.

As with all of Karen’s books, this one spoke to the reality that we call life. I think that is what makes Karen a completely unique writer. She doesn’t shy away from topics that may seem too controversial. Instead, she heads straight for the heart of the story and writes characters that are memorable, lovable and completely relatable. Whether that reality includes infertility, adoption, an unwed, pregnant, single teenage girl or the young boy who falls in love with with the girl and being willing to risk everything. It’s real, it’s raw and it shows us how we are to potentially react to that life including muddling in the mess when someone we love is going through more than we can imagine. Each part of this book had me wondering what I would do if I were in this situation.

In her book Two Weeks, Karen gives us a story about Cole, the son of Ashley Baxter Blake. Having watched Cole grow up through Karen’s books, I was terrified that his decisions in this book may ruin his life and I couldn’t imagine that. My heart was sent on an emotional rollercoaster and I cried, laughed and cried some more.

When a new girl shows up at Cole’s school, he immediately falls head over heels for her. They immediately hit it off and start hanging out together. When Elise, realizes she’s pregnant, and she shares those fears with Cole, he promises to stand by her no matter what. A virtue he learned from Landon Blake, the man he calls dad.

In this story we also meet Lucy and Aaron. They are a couple who, like my friends, struggle with infertility. This is the part of the book that was excruciatingly hard for me to read. I had watched friends of mine struggle with infertility, and I, myself have been told I would never have children. While going through infertility treatments month in and month out, Aaron stays strong in his faith and tells Lucy to do the same. When Elise starts thinking about adoption, she chooses Lucy and Aaron, but will she go though with giving the baby up for adoption? Is it the best thing for everyone? Elise has a lot of thinking to do and has been told by the lawyer that she has until two weeks after the delivery date to make up her mind.

This book is such an amazing read! Like many others, I started reading and didn’t want to put the book down. If you have never read anything by Karen, you can read this as a standalone book or as a part of the entire Baxter series. No matter how you decide to read the book, it is definitely life changing fiction!