Yesterday morning when I woke up; I was nervous and a little upset because I was afraid of walking through Candidacy alone. Yes, I knew I would be getting a mentoring group but this journey has been really lonely. Most people who are candidates are married and they have someone to bounce ideas off of. Back in June, my best friend walked out of my life to date someone. But she was my friend that I bounced ideas off of and I always knew that if I needed prayer I could count on her.
As I pulled into First UMC of Gastonia, I was scared to death. I walked into the church completely unsure what I was doing at this retreat, I mean God totally has the wrong candidate. I immediately meet Rev. Allen and Adri of the Conference Ministerial office. They welcomed me with open hearts and love.
I got my Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) and walked into a room with a group of people. I selected a seat at the back and sat nervously looking at my scores and my paperwork. A young man sitting next to me tried to make small talk, but neither of us was really into it; both a bit nervous. Little did I know he'd be in my mentoring group.
Then came the greeting, and welcoming to Candidacy. And as if right on time, worship. Just a short devotion, but enough to remind us all why we were at this retreat. A time to prayerfully seek after what God is asking of us and where we are to be serving, what track we are to go on to; and how we'll get there.
Our first mentor meeting was awkward. We told our call stories; how we found out that we were to be ministers, whether we felt led to be a Deacon, Elder or Licensed Local Pastor. Each call story was unique. It brought out new levels of intimacy that I didn't think could be possible with just a mentoring group.
After an evening devotion, I was a bit more at ease; I knew that God had called me into this special time of discernment. A time when I could just seek Him and His face. I arrived at my hotel completely tired, worn out from the days activities. Probably because I had to sit in meetings all day and possibly because I am an INFP on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Being introverted I can't do "small" talk. I don't like it, and honestly I have NEVER liked it. So for me that wasn't at all a surprise.
In my hotel room, I sleepily climbed into the shower, and took the longest, hottest shower known to man. I washed away all the grime of the day--not that I was dirty. I just needed the physical cleansing that goes along with the mental cleansing I had felt.
Around 5:30am I woke up, I turned over thinking I still have a hour to sleep, but my body just wouldn't allow for it. So I got up, grabbed my journal and said "God what is it?" And in my heart I felt the impression of "Seek me while I may be found." And so I grabbed my Bible and immediately sought up that scripture. Isaiah 55:6 “Seek the Lord while he may be found; call upon him while he is near;" Then I turned in my Bible to Proverbs and read 8:17 "I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me." And finally to Psalms 63:1 "O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water." It finally took root in my heart that maybe God didn't have the wrong person after all; I was looking at myself as "Rachel, the person who has done stupid things and has a past;" instead of looking at myself as "Rachel, the one I have called." I was seeing myself as the world sees me and not as my Father sees me. And when that took root in my heart, I immediately said "Fill me, God! Fill me with your spirit. Fill me with your love. Guide me, O Lord! Give me no reason for pause, empty my heart of me and fill it completely with you!" Then I sat in my room and cried. 
Arriving at our morning worship session, we sang "How Great is Our God" and when we got to the chorus that starts into "How Great Thou Art" tears again just sprang forth as I thought about 1) my grandfather laying on his death bed singing "How Great Thou Art" and 2) that God truly is great. We went back to our mentor groups; we spoke about how Methodist Theology aligned with our own and had a great time of fellowship together.
In our final meditation, we had communion and I can tell you, there wasn't a dry eye in the room. One by one as we walked forward to take communion with our leaders and mentors, you could just feel God's holy spirit resting with each of us. Our hearts, each finely tuned to God. When we departed, we each hugged and cried, knowing that the next time we see each other it could be at one of our other 4 mentoring meetings or if we are lucky to get through the entire process at Annual Conference.
Truly now, my prayer is (and it comes from both Isaiah and a Hymn) "Here I am Lord, Is it I, Lord? I have heard You calling in the night. I will go Lord, if You lead me. I will hold Your people in my heart."
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